It's that time again; a time of sleighbells roasting on an open fire, stockings stuffed with turkey, peace and goodwill towards men, and violence and resentment towards women. Chrixmas, of course, is a celebration of Hannakuh, the silent night 10,000 years ago when God had sex with the Virgin Mary, thus impregnating her.
One of my favorite traditional acts is that of the lighting of the eight candles on the Mennoriah, one for every orgasm the Holy Mother enjoyed. This, as you all know, is done while singing "I Come, I Come, E-Manuel" to memorialize the pleasure she expressed while screaming out to God, who is generally accepted to be an electronic Mexican. All that pleasure is the source of yet another beloved and very interesting custom. A man, when encountering a woman under the Missle-Tree, will give her a firm, open-handed slap on the cheek as way of expressing the male gender's jealously of the females' ability to climax multiple times, while men are cursed with a singular orgasm.
And how could we talk about Chrixmas without mentioning Santa Nick, the jolly, drunken, red-faced wizard? He flies to the houses of little boys and girls around the world on Chrixmas Eave, swerving jerkily through the skies on his blood colored sled pulled by an eight-headed rain-deer. The color of the sled and the eight heads of the reindeer also memorialize that holy, erotic night. The blood signifying the Virgin's broken hymen and, of course, the eight heads representing the moans of corporeal ecstasy. Santa, naturally, has a widely known children's shoe fetish. The kids leave their footwear outside of their bedrooms in hopes that Santa will not turn them into coal or vomit jelly onto them from his huge, trembling stomach. They hope, instead, that he leaves them gifts of Coca-Cola and M&M's under the sacred, burning Chrixmas Bush.
Speaking of the Chrixmas Bush, decorations are a huge part of your earth holiday. The Chrixmas Bush is a callback to the early Boblical Times when E-Manuel would set bushes on fire for fun. He would then play practical jokes on his prophets by making them take off their shoes and walk on the fire, which would only burn their feet a small amount. So now Chrixians will cut down a neighbor's bush or tree and string it with lights to simulate the holy fire. They then affix "ornaments," usually the entrails of a turkey whose meat is later cooked and stuffed into Chrixmas Stockings, simulating the burnt, bandaged feet of the prophets (Some maintain Santa Nick steals shoes in order to memorialize the prophets, but, while an interesting coincidence, his shoe stealing proclivity has been determined to be of a solely sexual nature).
I know this isn't news to most of you, but I just love your hollyday. I love how it brings the men together in unity against the sexually greedy women. I love the traditional four week Advent Turkey Slaughter. I love the pornographic statues of your nativity scenes. And, of course, I never forget the Chrixmas Prequel, Chrixmas Jr. which is why I always go caroling on 9/11. So, Merry Chrixmas, Earthlings! May E-Manuel bless you with meek, easy to murder turkeys, multiple orgasms (men), and vomit-free children.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Sentence Diagrams
Lately, in towns across America where "Taco Bell" is a verb, Judges having been getting more creative when it comes to passing out sentences. From mandatory youtube apology videos to wearing signs at busy intersections, unorthodox punishments are becoming hip, as a chorus of sweat-pants moms and pencil neck, Monty Python dads echo each others' "Well, good for him!" hymns.
But lately things have been getting a tad ridiculous:
Irving, Texas- 23 year old man, Dave Travelli caught vandalizing private property has been sentenced to 18 months without use of the letter R. "You get used to it. I can still have fun. Still d...imbibe alcohol. Still d...pilot my ca...automobile," he recently responded with rousing remarks, really remiss in remorse.
Atlanta, Georgia- Julius "Clip" Russel, a local youth and known gang-banger, was recently convicted of aggravated assault. Judge Foster "Colonel" Ford has sentenced him to "A period of 27 to 35 months wherein marshmallows must be the main course of his every meal." Mr. Russel has since become a youth outreach minister for his church and says he "rarely" considers suicide.
New Brunswick, Connecticut- Steve Poshenko was convicted of tax evasion and sentenced by Judge Eileen Cutrer to "hug three dogs and be more polite when shopping at Wal Mart."
La Foote, South Dakota- Lyle Brightman, arrested for a DUI, was forced to write a novel in the style of Tom Clancy about "The secret, vigilante life of Joe Pesci."
But lately things have been getting a tad ridiculous:
Irving, Texas- 23 year old man, Dave Travelli caught vandalizing private property has been sentenced to 18 months without use of the letter R. "You get used to it. I can still have fun. Still d...imbibe alcohol. Still d...pilot my ca...automobile," he recently responded with rousing remarks, really remiss in remorse.
Atlanta, Georgia- Julius "Clip" Russel, a local youth and known gang-banger, was recently convicted of aggravated assault. Judge Foster "Colonel" Ford has sentenced him to "A period of 27 to 35 months wherein marshmallows must be the main course of his every meal." Mr. Russel has since become a youth outreach minister for his church and says he "rarely" considers suicide.
New Brunswick, Connecticut- Steve Poshenko was convicted of tax evasion and sentenced by Judge Eileen Cutrer to "hug three dogs and be more polite when shopping at Wal Mart."
La Foote, South Dakota- Lyle Brightman, arrested for a DUI, was forced to write a novel in the style of Tom Clancy about "The secret, vigilante life of Joe Pesci."
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Overheard at the weekly Douglas County PTA Meeting:
Mom 1: ...and Susie told me that it was Tina's mom, Glenda, who took them to see the movie! It was rated R!
Mom 2: Glenda Shaft?
Mom 1: You betcha. I mean, that movie has nudity and swearing, and she let's her daughter watch that filth. That Shaft is one bad mother.
Mom 2: Glenda Shaft?
Mom 1: You betcha. I mean, that movie has nudity and swearing, and she let's her daughter watch that filth. That Shaft is one bad mother.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Costume Ideas for Kids
Hi, kids. As we all know, Halloween is coming up, and it's time to start thinking of costumes. Everyone knows zombies are played out and predators always go for kids dressed as ghosts (they're basically already in a sack). So I'm here to offer you some costume ideas. Be the coolest kid on the Cul-de-sac with these hot tips!
Dirty Superman: Nobody really knows where Dirty Superman lives, but he is SO STRONG! One time he broke 3 cinder blocks just by throwing them at the convenience store across the street. He doesn't like to dress like a superhero though because people would ask for his autograph too much, so all you need for clothes is a 1997 Houston Astros t-shirt and pants held up with a white belt. And remember, his clothes get dirty from fighting all the bad guys (who disguise themselves as policemen to trick him). Dirty Superman talks to his parents back on his home planet a lot, especially at night when you are sleeping. So remember while walking around the neighborhood this Halloween, to yell things like "It's too salty!" and "Always, the socks!" Extra Points for saying "God Bless you," instead of "Trick or treat."
Glen, the Man who Lives Alone and Comes to your Parents' Dinner Parties: Glen is so great! He knows five magic tricks and wears glasses that look like an airline pilot's! Your parents can help you find the glasses (they look like this, Mom and Dad). The rest of Glen's clothes are easy. He buttons his collared shirt up to the top button even though he has no tie. He wears khaki pants with no belt and spends a long time brushing his hair. The way to act like Glen is to stand 4 feet to the right of everyone. Look at your feet and wait till somebody says your name three times before you react to them. When a lady gives you candy, ask if she can help you sew a button on your pants and then don't leave her front porch until she politely asks you to.
The Back of Uncle Harold's Neck: Uncle Harold's neck is covered with bumpy sadness. He says he got them after Desert Storm and "Uncle Sam's pockets ain't deep enough to cover cutting 'em off." He also says they make him a "Poon Leper" down at the OTB. I don't know what a "Poon Leper" is but it'd probably be a fun costume! Anyway, take red Kool-Aid powder and mix it with silly putty. Cover bumpy parts of an egg carton with the putty mixture and glue the parts all over a flesh colored sweat suit (ask for help from mom and dad). Now you're ready to spook the neighborhood!
HAPPY HAUNTING, EVERYONE!
Dirty Superman: Nobody really knows where Dirty Superman lives, but he is SO STRONG! One time he broke 3 cinder blocks just by throwing them at the convenience store across the street. He doesn't like to dress like a superhero though because people would ask for his autograph too much, so all you need for clothes is a 1997 Houston Astros t-shirt and pants held up with a white belt. And remember, his clothes get dirty from fighting all the bad guys (who disguise themselves as policemen to trick him). Dirty Superman talks to his parents back on his home planet a lot, especially at night when you are sleeping. So remember while walking around the neighborhood this Halloween, to yell things like "It's too salty!" and "Always, the socks!" Extra Points for saying "God Bless you," instead of "Trick or treat."
Glen, the Man who Lives Alone and Comes to your Parents' Dinner Parties: Glen is so great! He knows five magic tricks and wears glasses that look like an airline pilot's! Your parents can help you find the glasses (they look like this, Mom and Dad). The rest of Glen's clothes are easy. He buttons his collared shirt up to the top button even though he has no tie. He wears khaki pants with no belt and spends a long time brushing his hair. The way to act like Glen is to stand 4 feet to the right of everyone. Look at your feet and wait till somebody says your name three times before you react to them. When a lady gives you candy, ask if she can help you sew a button on your pants and then don't leave her front porch until she politely asks you to.
The Back of Uncle Harold's Neck: Uncle Harold's neck is covered with bumpy sadness. He says he got them after Desert Storm and "Uncle Sam's pockets ain't deep enough to cover cutting 'em off." He also says they make him a "Poon Leper" down at the OTB. I don't know what a "Poon Leper" is but it'd probably be a fun costume! Anyway, take red Kool-Aid powder and mix it with silly putty. Cover bumpy parts of an egg carton with the putty mixture and glue the parts all over a flesh colored sweat suit (ask for help from mom and dad). Now you're ready to spook the neighborhood!
HAPPY HAUNTING, EVERYONE!
Today's Slight Grammatical Change to Kid Rock Lyrics in Order to Render Them Hilarious is:
"I wanna be a cowboy-baby"
-Kid Rock "Cowboy" Devil Without a Cause
Things I Have Inferred About Black Culture Through My Marginal Knowledge of the Television Program The Jeffersons
-In Black Culture, the East-Side is considered more affluent than the West-Side.
-Inept, malignant, or uptight white people may be derisively referred to as "Honky"
-Black People are extremely patient when it comes to waiting for pie.
-Inept, malignant, or uptight white people may be derisively referred to as "Honky"
-Black People are extremely patient when it comes to waiting for pie.
Once you Goe-bbels, You Never Go Back
A man and a woman are sitting in bed. The man is reading a book.
Woman: Honey, could you put down that book for a sec?
Man: Sure thing, Hon. What's up?
Woman: Well, I need to talk to you about something.
Man: Oh no, did I forget to put the cap back on the milk again?! GOD DAMMIT!
Woman: Oh no, honey, that's not it. You've been great about that ever since my sister died...It's something else.
Man: Well what is it?
Woman: Well, you know how lately our sex life has been a little...wanting?
Man: Not really.
Woman: Yes really. We have 5 minutes of missionary sex, you go feed the dog and then we watch Home Shopping until we fall asleep. Every time it's the same. I think we should, you know, maybe spice it up a little.
Man: In what way exactly?
Woman: Well...I'd like for you to dress up.
Man: Dress up?
Woman: I'd like for you to dress up as...
Man: As who, honey?
Woman: As...Joseph Goebbels
Man: Joseph Goebbels!? The Nazi Minister of Propaganda?!
Woman: Yes please.
Man: But he's a Nazi!
Woman: Well, you know how some women have a thing for bad boys?
Man: But I'm Jewish! My grandfather died in the Holocaust! He said, "Little Herschel, next year on your sixth birthday, you can have my violin and I will teach you to play it!" Well I never got that violin, thanks to Goebbels!
Woman: Look, I know what he did was terrible and awful and the worst act in the history of humanity, but the thing is...(meekly) that just makes it hotter?
Man: I don't know about this. It feels so...attrocious,
Woman: That's the thing. It's normal.
Man: Normal?
Woman: Yes. Linda and Bonnie and Eileen and Ava all do it. We have a support group.
Man: All of their husbands dress as Goebbels!?
Woman: Well no, not just Goebbels. We all just like the idea of getting nailed by the worst people in history. Linda gets it from Genghis Khan. Bonnie's a Stalin girl. Eileen has a thing for Pol Pot. And, well Ava's husband dresses as...
Man: Hitler?
Woman: Scott Stapp.
Man: Well, it's not like I have an extra Goebbels outfit sitting around.
Woman: No it's OK. My grandfather was a Nazi. He left me his uniform. I have everything we need in the trunk in the hall closet. All you have to do is gel your hair.
Man: OK, well, is there anything I should...say?
Woman: No. The only important thing is that you look like Joseph Goebbels.
(They both start to get out of bed. The woman looks excited.)
Man: Ok but we gotta make this quick. I need to be up for work tomorrow.
Woman: Well, you know what they say. Work brings freedom.
(They both pause and laugh boisterously.)
Woman: Honey, could you put down that book for a sec?
Man: Sure thing, Hon. What's up?
Woman: Well, I need to talk to you about something.
Man: Oh no, did I forget to put the cap back on the milk again?! GOD DAMMIT!
Woman: Oh no, honey, that's not it. You've been great about that ever since my sister died...It's something else.
Man: Well what is it?
Woman: Well, you know how lately our sex life has been a little...wanting?
Man: Not really.
Woman: Yes really. We have 5 minutes of missionary sex, you go feed the dog and then we watch Home Shopping until we fall asleep. Every time it's the same. I think we should, you know, maybe spice it up a little.
Man: In what way exactly?
Woman: Well...I'd like for you to dress up.
Man: Dress up?
Woman: I'd like for you to dress up as...
Man: As who, honey?
Woman: As...Joseph Goebbels
Man: Joseph Goebbels!? The Nazi Minister of Propaganda?!
Woman: Yes please.
Man: But he's a Nazi!
Woman: Well, you know how some women have a thing for bad boys?
Man: But I'm Jewish! My grandfather died in the Holocaust! He said, "Little Herschel, next year on your sixth birthday, you can have my violin and I will teach you to play it!" Well I never got that violin, thanks to Goebbels!
Woman: Look, I know what he did was terrible and awful and the worst act in the history of humanity, but the thing is...(meekly) that just makes it hotter?
Man: I don't know about this. It feels so...attrocious,
Woman: That's the thing. It's normal.
Man: Normal?
Woman: Yes. Linda and Bonnie and Eileen and Ava all do it. We have a support group.
Man: All of their husbands dress as Goebbels!?
Woman: Well no, not just Goebbels. We all just like the idea of getting nailed by the worst people in history. Linda gets it from Genghis Khan. Bonnie's a Stalin girl. Eileen has a thing for Pol Pot. And, well Ava's husband dresses as...
Man: Hitler?
Woman: Scott Stapp.
Man: Well, it's not like I have an extra Goebbels outfit sitting around.
Woman: No it's OK. My grandfather was a Nazi. He left me his uniform. I have everything we need in the trunk in the hall closet. All you have to do is gel your hair.
Man: OK, well, is there anything I should...say?
Woman: No. The only important thing is that you look like Joseph Goebbels.
(They both start to get out of bed. The woman looks excited.)
Man: Ok but we gotta make this quick. I need to be up for work tomorrow.
Woman: Well, you know what they say. Work brings freedom.
(They both pause and laugh boisterously.)
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