Rutherford Arthur, the man who can only speak in Garfield quotes, attends a work party.

A work party is in full swing. There is dancing. There are drinks. There is music. Tony and Andy are talking to each other, wearing collared shirts and hold strong drinks like scotch and 7 and 7's.

Tony: Man, YES.

Andy: YES.

Tony: Did you see that girl's tits?

Andy: YES. This is a party.

Tony: Man, I'm just glad Rutherford isn't here.

Andy: Thank god.

Tony: What is with that guy?

Andy: Man, I don't know, man. He's just...

(Rutherford enters wearing a stained orange and black sweater. He has orange hair, glasses, a big orange mustache, and is fat.)

Rutherford: Heeeey Guyyysssss.

Andy and Tony: Hey Rutherford.

Tony: You showed up pretty late there, Rutherford.

Rutherford: Some people have anxiety attacks, some people have gas attacks...I have nap attacks.

Andy: So you're late because you took a nap?

Rutherford: Yessss. Jeez, if you want to appear smarter, hang around someone stupider.

Tony: Did you just call him stupid?

Rutherford: All I'm saying is that his I.Q. is so low you can't test it. You have to dig for it.

Andy: Jesus, Rutherford!

Rutherford: Sorry, when the lasagna content in my blood gets low, I get mean.

Tony: Well if you're hungry there's some food over there.

Rutherford: I am hungry. Therefore I am.

(Rutherford walks over to the food table. There is an attractive woman named Elizabeth perusing the food.)

Rutherford: Hiiiii Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: (Sighs) Hi Rutherford. Getting some food?

Rutherford: I shall now attempt to eat a diet lunch consisting of one leaf of lettuce seasoned with... one quart of Mayonnaise.

Elizabeth: Ugh!

Rutherford: (slathering mayo onto lettuce) You know what a "diet" is, don't you? It's "die" with a "t," that's what it is!

Elizabeth: But Rutherford, look at yourself!

Rutherford: I have Adult Onset Diabetes.

Elizabeth: Oh, Rutherford.

Rutherford: I eat too much because I'm depressed, and I'm depressed because I eat too much. It's a vicious cycle...that took years to perfect...Anybody can exercise but this kind of lethargy takes real discipline.

(Elizabeth leaves)

Rutherford: I garnish my lasagna with loneliness.

(Callie enters wearing a bright pink sweater and a blue dress with crazy crazy hair.)

Callie: Ack! Food and a man! Two of my four basic guilt groups!

Rutherford: Eat every meal as though it were your last.

Callie: Food and men make me feel guilty because they both go straight to my thighs!

Rutherford: I have lasagna and three rotisserie chickens and a bed. How about we go enjoy all of them?

Callie: Ack!

(They both exit)


Editor's note: Most of the quotes here are verbatim.

10 Secrets About Canadians

Everyone knows Canadians horde batteries and are impervious to murder, but here are some lesser known facts about our brothers and sisters to north whom Mark Twain called, "Crab-faced rogues and layabout dog thieves." -Mark Twain, hot dog vender, 1950-1996. Here they are, presented in fantastic list form:

1. If you ask for a Canadian's hat, they are legally, morally, and biologically obliged to give it to you.

2. Canadians think Cocoa Puffs is the name of a lost novel by Joseph Conrad.

3. Canadians call dreams "Bed Movies."

4. Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon

5. The original Canadian flag was made of cloth, NOT used maxi pads.

6. Every pair of shoes purchased in Canada comes with an extra right shoe, in case the original is lost.

7. The national dish is popcorn.

8. In the entire history of Canada, only two dogs have been elected mayor.

9. Until 1987 Canada's most prescribed cancer medication was tacos.

10. The idea for Socialized Medicine came to them in a "Bed Movie."