Merry Chrixmas, Earthlings! By: Vorn-ell 'Ir Chontun, an alien anthropologist disguised as one of you

It's that time again; a time of sleighbells roasting on an open fire, stockings stuffed with turkey, peace and goodwill towards men, and violence and resentment towards women. Chrixmas, of course, is a celebration of Hannakuh, the silent night 10,000 years ago when God had sex with the Virgin Mary, thus impregnating her.

One of my favorite traditional acts is that of the lighting of the eight candles on the Mennoriah, one for every orgasm the Holy Mother enjoyed. This, as you all know, is done while singing "I Come, I Come, E-Manuel" to memorialize the pleasure she expressed while screaming out to God, who is generally accepted to be an electronic Mexican. All that pleasure is the source of yet another beloved and very interesting custom. A man, when encountering a woman under the Missle-Tree, will give her a firm, open-handed slap on the cheek as way of expressing the male gender's jealously of the females' ability to climax multiple times, while men are cursed with a singular orgasm.

And how could we talk about Chrixmas without mentioning Santa Nick, the jolly, drunken, red-faced wizard? He flies to the houses of little boys and girls around the world on Chrixmas Eave, swerving jerkily through the skies on his blood colored sled pulled by an eight-headed rain-deer. The color of the sled and the eight heads of the reindeer also memorialize that holy, erotic night. The blood signifying the Virgin's broken hymen and, of course, the eight heads representing the moans of corporeal ecstasy. Santa, naturally, has a widely known children's shoe fetish. The kids leave their footwear outside of their bedrooms in hopes that Santa will not turn them into coal or vomit jelly onto them from his huge, trembling stomach. They hope, instead, that he leaves them gifts of Coca-Cola and M&M's under the sacred, burning Chrixmas Bush.

Speaking of the Chrixmas Bush, decorations are a huge part of your earth holiday. The Chrixmas Bush is a callback to the early Boblical Times when E-Manuel would set bushes on fire for fun. He would then play practical jokes on his prophets by making them take off their shoes and walk on the fire, which would only burn their feet a small amount. So now Chrixians will cut down a neighbor's bush or tree and string it with lights to simulate the holy fire. They then affix "ornaments," usually the entrails of a turkey whose meat is later cooked and stuffed into Chrixmas Stockings, simulating the burnt, bandaged feet of the prophets (Some maintain Santa Nick steals shoes in order to memorialize the prophets, but, while an interesting coincidence, his shoe stealing proclivity has been determined to be of a solely sexual nature).

I know this isn't news to most of you, but I just love your hollyday. I love how it brings the men together in unity against the sexually greedy women. I love the traditional four week Advent Turkey Slaughter. I love the pornographic statues of your nativity scenes. And, of course, I never forget the Chrixmas Prequel, Chrixmas Jr. which is why I always go caroling on 9/11. So, Merry Chrixmas, Earthlings! May E-Manuel bless you with meek, easy to murder turkeys, multiple orgasms (men), and vomit-free children.