Hi, kids. As we all know, Halloween is coming up, and it's time to start thinking of costumes. Everyone knows zombies are played out and predators always go for kids dressed as ghosts (they're basically already in a sack). So I'm here to offer you some costume ideas. Be the coolest kid on the Cul-de-sac with these hot tips!
Dirty Superman: Nobody really knows where Dirty Superman lives, but he is SO STRONG! One time he broke 3 cinder blocks just by throwing them at the convenience store across the street. He doesn't like to dress like a superhero though because people would ask for his autograph too much, so all you need for clothes is a 1997 Houston Astros t-shirt and pants held up with a white belt. And remember, his clothes get dirty from fighting all the bad guys (who disguise themselves as policemen to trick him). Dirty Superman talks to his parents back on his home planet a lot, especially at night when you are sleeping. So remember while walking around the neighborhood this Halloween, to yell things like "It's too salty!" and "Always, the socks!" Extra Points for saying "God Bless you," instead of "Trick or treat."
Glen, the Man who Lives Alone and Comes to your Parents' Dinner Parties: Glen is so great! He knows five magic tricks and wears glasses that look like an airline pilot's! Your parents can help you find the glasses (they look like this, Mom and Dad). The rest of Glen's clothes are easy. He buttons his collared shirt up to the top button even though he has no tie. He wears khaki pants with no belt and spends a long time brushing his hair. The way to act like Glen is to stand 4 feet to the right of everyone. Look at your feet and wait till somebody says your name three times before you react to them. When a lady gives you candy, ask if she can help you sew a button on your pants and then don't leave her front porch until she politely asks you to.
The Back of Uncle Harold's Neck: Uncle Harold's neck is covered with bumpy sadness. He says he got them after Desert Storm and "Uncle Sam's pockets ain't deep enough to cover cutting 'em off." He also says they make him a "Poon Leper" down at the OTB. I don't know what a "Poon Leper" is but it'd probably be a fun costume! Anyway, take red Kool-Aid powder and mix it with silly putty. Cover bumpy parts of an egg carton with the putty mixture and glue the parts all over a flesh colored sweat suit (ask for help from mom and dad). Now you're ready to spook the neighborhood!
HAPPY HAUNTING, EVERYONE!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Today's Slight Grammatical Change to Kid Rock Lyrics in Order to Render Them Hilarious is:
"I wanna be a cowboy-baby"
-Kid Rock "Cowboy" Devil Without a Cause
Things I Have Inferred About Black Culture Through My Marginal Knowledge of the Television Program The Jeffersons
-In Black Culture, the East-Side is considered more affluent than the West-Side.
-Inept, malignant, or uptight white people may be derisively referred to as "Honky"
-Black People are extremely patient when it comes to waiting for pie.
-Inept, malignant, or uptight white people may be derisively referred to as "Honky"
-Black People are extremely patient when it comes to waiting for pie.
Once you Goe-bbels, You Never Go Back
A man and a woman are sitting in bed. The man is reading a book.
Woman: Honey, could you put down that book for a sec?
Man: Sure thing, Hon. What's up?
Woman: Well, I need to talk to you about something.
Man: Oh no, did I forget to put the cap back on the milk again?! GOD DAMMIT!
Woman: Oh no, honey, that's not it. You've been great about that ever since my sister died...It's something else.
Man: Well what is it?
Woman: Well, you know how lately our sex life has been a little...wanting?
Man: Not really.
Woman: Yes really. We have 5 minutes of missionary sex, you go feed the dog and then we watch Home Shopping until we fall asleep. Every time it's the same. I think we should, you know, maybe spice it up a little.
Man: In what way exactly?
Woman: Well...I'd like for you to dress up.
Man: Dress up?
Woman: I'd like for you to dress up as...
Man: As who, honey?
Woman: As...Joseph Goebbels
Man: Joseph Goebbels!? The Nazi Minister of Propaganda?!
Woman: Yes please.
Man: But he's a Nazi!
Woman: Well, you know how some women have a thing for bad boys?
Man: But I'm Jewish! My grandfather died in the Holocaust! He said, "Little Herschel, next year on your sixth birthday, you can have my violin and I will teach you to play it!" Well I never got that violin, thanks to Goebbels!
Woman: Look, I know what he did was terrible and awful and the worst act in the history of humanity, but the thing is...(meekly) that just makes it hotter?
Man: I don't know about this. It feels so...attrocious,
Woman: That's the thing. It's normal.
Man: Normal?
Woman: Yes. Linda and Bonnie and Eileen and Ava all do it. We have a support group.
Man: All of their husbands dress as Goebbels!?
Woman: Well no, not just Goebbels. We all just like the idea of getting nailed by the worst people in history. Linda gets it from Genghis Khan. Bonnie's a Stalin girl. Eileen has a thing for Pol Pot. And, well Ava's husband dresses as...
Man: Hitler?
Woman: Scott Stapp.
Man: Well, it's not like I have an extra Goebbels outfit sitting around.
Woman: No it's OK. My grandfather was a Nazi. He left me his uniform. I have everything we need in the trunk in the hall closet. All you have to do is gel your hair.
Man: OK, well, is there anything I should...say?
Woman: No. The only important thing is that you look like Joseph Goebbels.
(They both start to get out of bed. The woman looks excited.)
Man: Ok but we gotta make this quick. I need to be up for work tomorrow.
Woman: Well, you know what they say. Work brings freedom.
(They both pause and laugh boisterously.)
Woman: Honey, could you put down that book for a sec?
Man: Sure thing, Hon. What's up?
Woman: Well, I need to talk to you about something.
Man: Oh no, did I forget to put the cap back on the milk again?! GOD DAMMIT!
Woman: Oh no, honey, that's not it. You've been great about that ever since my sister died...It's something else.
Man: Well what is it?
Woman: Well, you know how lately our sex life has been a little...wanting?
Man: Not really.
Woman: Yes really. We have 5 minutes of missionary sex, you go feed the dog and then we watch Home Shopping until we fall asleep. Every time it's the same. I think we should, you know, maybe spice it up a little.
Man: In what way exactly?
Woman: Well...I'd like for you to dress up.
Man: Dress up?
Woman: I'd like for you to dress up as...
Man: As who, honey?
Woman: As...Joseph Goebbels
Man: Joseph Goebbels!? The Nazi Minister of Propaganda?!
Woman: Yes please.
Man: But he's a Nazi!
Woman: Well, you know how some women have a thing for bad boys?
Man: But I'm Jewish! My grandfather died in the Holocaust! He said, "Little Herschel, next year on your sixth birthday, you can have my violin and I will teach you to play it!" Well I never got that violin, thanks to Goebbels!
Woman: Look, I know what he did was terrible and awful and the worst act in the history of humanity, but the thing is...(meekly) that just makes it hotter?
Man: I don't know about this. It feels so...attrocious,
Woman: That's the thing. It's normal.
Man: Normal?
Woman: Yes. Linda and Bonnie and Eileen and Ava all do it. We have a support group.
Man: All of their husbands dress as Goebbels!?
Woman: Well no, not just Goebbels. We all just like the idea of getting nailed by the worst people in history. Linda gets it from Genghis Khan. Bonnie's a Stalin girl. Eileen has a thing for Pol Pot. And, well Ava's husband dresses as...
Man: Hitler?
Woman: Scott Stapp.
Man: Well, it's not like I have an extra Goebbels outfit sitting around.
Woman: No it's OK. My grandfather was a Nazi. He left me his uniform. I have everything we need in the trunk in the hall closet. All you have to do is gel your hair.
Man: OK, well, is there anything I should...say?
Woman: No. The only important thing is that you look like Joseph Goebbels.
(They both start to get out of bed. The woman looks excited.)
Man: Ok but we gotta make this quick. I need to be up for work tomorrow.
Woman: Well, you know what they say. Work brings freedom.
(They both pause and laugh boisterously.)
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Rutherford Arthur, the man who can only speak in Garfield quotes, attends a work party.
A work party is in full swing. There is dancing. There are drinks. There is music. Tony and Andy are talking to each other, wearing collared shirts and hold strong drinks like scotch and 7 and 7's.
Tony: Man, YES.
Andy: YES.
Tony: Did you see that girl's tits?
Andy: YES. This is a party.
Tony: Man, I'm just glad Rutherford isn't here.
Andy: Thank god.
Tony: What is with that guy?
Andy: Man, I don't know, man. He's just...
(Rutherford enters wearing a stained orange and black sweater. He has orange hair, glasses, a big orange mustache, and is fat.)
Rutherford: Heeeey Guyyysssss.
Andy and Tony: Hey Rutherford.
Tony: You showed up pretty late there, Rutherford.
Rutherford: Some people have anxiety attacks, some people have gas attacks...I have nap attacks.
Andy: So you're late because you took a nap?
Rutherford: Yessss. Jeez, if you want to appear smarter, hang around someone stupider.
Tony: Did you just call him stupid?
Rutherford: All I'm saying is that his I.Q. is so low you can't test it. You have to dig for it.
Andy: Jesus, Rutherford!
Rutherford: Sorry, when the lasagna content in my blood gets low, I get mean.
Tony: Well if you're hungry there's some food over there.
Rutherford: I am hungry. Therefore I am.
(Rutherford walks over to the food table. There is an attractive woman named Elizabeth perusing the food.)
Rutherford: Hiiiii Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: (Sighs) Hi Rutherford. Getting some food?
Rutherford: I shall now attempt to eat a diet lunch consisting of one leaf of lettuce seasoned with... one quart of Mayonnaise.
Elizabeth: Ugh!
Rutherford: (slathering mayo onto lettuce) You know what a "diet" is, don't you? It's "die" with a "t," that's what it is!
Elizabeth: But Rutherford, look at yourself!
Rutherford: I have Adult Onset Diabetes.
Elizabeth: Oh, Rutherford.
Rutherford: I eat too much because I'm depressed, and I'm depressed because I eat too much. It's a vicious cycle...that took years to perfect...Anybody can exercise but this kind of lethargy takes real discipline.
(Elizabeth leaves)
Rutherford: I garnish my lasagna with loneliness.
(Callie enters wearing a bright pink sweater and a blue dress with crazy crazy hair.)
Callie: Ack! Food and a man! Two of my four basic guilt groups!
Rutherford: Eat every meal as though it were your last.
Callie: Food and men make me feel guilty because they both go straight to my thighs!
Rutherford: I have lasagna and three rotisserie chickens and a bed. How about we go enjoy all of them?
Callie: Ack!
(They both exit)
Editor's note: Most of the quotes here are verbatim.
Tony: Man, YES.
Andy: YES.
Tony: Did you see that girl's tits?
Andy: YES. This is a party.
Tony: Man, I'm just glad Rutherford isn't here.
Andy: Thank god.
Tony: What is with that guy?
Andy: Man, I don't know, man. He's just...
(Rutherford enters wearing a stained orange and black sweater. He has orange hair, glasses, a big orange mustache, and is fat.)
Rutherford: Heeeey Guyyysssss.
Andy and Tony: Hey Rutherford.
Tony: You showed up pretty late there, Rutherford.
Rutherford: Some people have anxiety attacks, some people have gas attacks...I have nap attacks.
Andy: So you're late because you took a nap?
Rutherford: Yessss. Jeez, if you want to appear smarter, hang around someone stupider.
Tony: Did you just call him stupid?
Rutherford: All I'm saying is that his I.Q. is so low you can't test it. You have to dig for it.
Andy: Jesus, Rutherford!
Rutherford: Sorry, when the lasagna content in my blood gets low, I get mean.
Tony: Well if you're hungry there's some food over there.
Rutherford: I am hungry. Therefore I am.
(Rutherford walks over to the food table. There is an attractive woman named Elizabeth perusing the food.)
Rutherford: Hiiiii Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: (Sighs) Hi Rutherford. Getting some food?
Rutherford: I shall now attempt to eat a diet lunch consisting of one leaf of lettuce seasoned with... one quart of Mayonnaise.
Elizabeth: Ugh!
Rutherford: (slathering mayo onto lettuce) You know what a "diet" is, don't you? It's "die" with a "t," that's what it is!
Elizabeth: But Rutherford, look at yourself!
Rutherford: I have Adult Onset Diabetes.
Elizabeth: Oh, Rutherford.
Rutherford: I eat too much because I'm depressed, and I'm depressed because I eat too much. It's a vicious cycle...that took years to perfect...Anybody can exercise but this kind of lethargy takes real discipline.
(Elizabeth leaves)
Rutherford: I garnish my lasagna with loneliness.
(Callie enters wearing a bright pink sweater and a blue dress with crazy crazy hair.)
Callie: Ack! Food and a man! Two of my four basic guilt groups!
Rutherford: Eat every meal as though it were your last.
Callie: Food and men make me feel guilty because they both go straight to my thighs!
Rutherford: I have lasagna and three rotisserie chickens and a bed. How about we go enjoy all of them?
Callie: Ack!
(They both exit)
Editor's note: Most of the quotes here are verbatim.
10 Secrets About Canadians
Everyone knows Canadians horde batteries and are impervious to murder, but here are some lesser known facts about our brothers and sisters to north whom Mark Twain called, "Crab-faced rogues and layabout dog thieves." -Mark Twain, hot dog vender, 1950-1996. Here they are, presented in fantastic list form:
1. If you ask for a Canadian's hat, they are legally, morally, and biologically obliged to give it to you.
2. Canadians think Cocoa Puffs is the name of a lost novel by Joseph Conrad.
3. Canadians call dreams "Bed Movies."
4. Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon
5. The original Canadian flag was made of cloth, NOT used maxi pads.
6. Every pair of shoes purchased in Canada comes with an extra right shoe, in case the original is lost.
7. The national dish is popcorn.
8. In the entire history of Canada, only two dogs have been elected mayor.
9. Until 1987 Canada's most prescribed cancer medication was tacos.
10. The idea for Socialized Medicine came to them in a "Bed Movie."
1. If you ask for a Canadian's hat, they are legally, morally, and biologically obliged to give it to you.
2. Canadians think Cocoa Puffs is the name of a lost novel by Joseph Conrad.
3. Canadians call dreams "Bed Movies."
4. Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon
5. The original Canadian flag was made of cloth, NOT used maxi pads.
6. Every pair of shoes purchased in Canada comes with an extra right shoe, in case the original is lost.
7. The national dish is popcorn.
8. In the entire history of Canada, only two dogs have been elected mayor.
9. Until 1987 Canada's most prescribed cancer medication was tacos.
10. The idea for Socialized Medicine came to them in a "Bed Movie."
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